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SEXUAL DESIRE
Connie
A. O'Reilly, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist Oregon
Fibromyalgia Team
What if I just don't feel like it?
Our
society puts tremendous pressure on
us to be sexual.
Television and movies convince us
that unless we have wild passionate
rip-your-clothes-off sex in odd or
unusual places at least weekly
(preferably several times daily), we
must have some sexual hang-up.
Living with the Madison Avenue image
of what is beautiful leaves most of
us with some significant insecurity
about our bodies. We
doubt that anyone could find us
desirable because we are not among
the "beautiful people."
The body changes, pain, and
fatigue associated with illness can
zap sexual desire further. Anxiety,
depression or the medications used
to control those conditions can
decrease one's libido. Also,
antihypertensives, ulcer
medications, and others may have
similar effects.
What if
I just don't feel like it? What is
normal sexual desire?
Daily
sex is normal. Sex once a month is
normal. So the concept of normal
is not very important, or very
helpful. The real issue is often a
significant difference in basic
sexual desire between two partners.
While you may at times choose to
accommodate your partner's greater
desire out of love and caring,
giving in when you really do not
want to is likely to lead to
increasing resentment which
ultimately can sabotage the
relationship. Sexual desire changes,
from day to day and from year to
year (remember the first year of any
intimate relationship!). If your
desire is lower now than previously,
there are things you can do to
change that.
So what can I do about it?
1.
Address unresolved power struggles
in your relationship.
When
a lack of communication has left one
or both partners with built up
resentment, it is very difficult for
them to have enough trust and
security with one another that they
are willing to risk being sexual
together. Sex is simply
communication, but it is the most
intimate and complex
form of communication. If the
partners are not talking openly,
negotiating needs, and resolving
conflicts productively, there is no
reason to expect that they can have
a satisfying intimate relationship.
Unexpressed feelings usually get
expressed in the bedroom.
When
we feel powerless, we will take
whatever steps we know to take our
control back. While most people see
control as being demanding and
forceful, the other powerful way of
exerting control is to be passive
and withholding. One striking way to
do that is to withhold your
sexuality from your partner. This
often leaves the partner feeling
inadequate and impotent. If you
believe that expressing your anger
may threaten your security, you may
feel afraid to confront problems,
which ultimately leads to increasing
resentment. Withholding your
sexuality is one powerful way to
express your anger, without having
to confront issues directly. The
problem is that the real issues
never get addressed nor resolved,
and your partner is left feeling
confused and inadequate.
2. Tend to your pain.
Discuss your pain with your medical
caretakers. Find out if there are
any more effective medical
treatments for your symptoms. If
your are experiencing sexual side
effects from your medications, don't
just discontinue them. Discuss the
problem with your medical
professionals. Don't accept painful
sex as normal. There are many
potential causes which can be
readily treated. If you experience
problems with vaginal dryness, try
one of the many lubricants on the
market, with great names like
Astro-Glide, Aqua Lube,
Lubrin, or Replens (avoid
sticky water-based products or
petroleum-based products).
3. Open the lines of
communication with your partner.
Be open and direct. State your
feelings and ask for what you want.
Don't assume you know what your
partner is feeling, even if you've
been together for years. Listen
actively, by paying attention,
responding to comments, and asking
questions for clarification. The
best way to change your sexual
relationship is to talk to one
another about what you would like to
see happen. Good sex takes two, and
both of your needs and desires are
important. But given that this is
such a complex form of
communication, you can get in
trouble if you try to mind read.
Contrary to what the movies lead us
to believe, talking during sex is
not only ok, it's generally
necessary.
4. Plan ahead for good sex.
If you use medications to control
your pain, time them so that you are
likely to feel better when you have
sex. Likewise, time a hot bath or
soak in the hot tub to maximize your
relaxation, and minimize the level
of pain. Make massage a part of your
physical closeness. Make it a
priority to spend time with your
partner. If you don't plan it and
schedule it, it is likely to be
superseded by any of a dozen
different obligations. Spontaneity
is exciting, but not necessary for
good sex. And if you continue to
struggle with the intimate part of
your relationship, seek help. Take a
class on couples' communication, buy
a book or video on relationship
issues, or seek the help of a
professional marriage counselor or
psychologist.
5. Nurture yourself. It's
easier to feel sexy if you feel
attractive. Give yourself time and
permission to pamper yourself and
take care of your appearance.
Shower, use lotion or scent, wear
attractive clothing. Think of what
things your partner does that please
you, and try to do those for your
partner. You can enhance your body
image and your functioning by doing
regular exercise to increase your
strength, stamina, flexibility, and
self-esteem.
6. Be creative. Sex is
not an Olympic event. There are many
wonderful ways to be sexual without
actual intercourse. Touch and
cuddling are a very important part
of feeling close. Too often couples
develop some conflict leading to
difficulties with sex, and then they
avoid cuddling for fear it will lead
one person to believe it is a
prelude to sex. It's important for
women to know that a man's erection
is a compliment...not a demand. And
remember, one person declining
sexual contact is not a rejection of
their partner; it is a statement of
what is going on with them at
the time.
There
are things that may increase desire
levels. Sexual fantasy, or erotic
stories, magazines, or movie scenes
often trigger increased arousal. Sex
in a new setting, a romantic
atmosphere, new positions, oral sex,
or use of vibrators may decrease
boredom and stimulate arousal. Also,
pay attention to times and
situations when your desire is
higher, and don't be afraid to
experiment with what you've learned.
But remember that good sex in a
relationship takes two, and it's
counterproductive to try to force
someone to do something they just
aren't comfortable with.
If
you experience muscle pain or
stiffness during intercourse,
experiment with different positions.
The Arthritis Foundation publishes a
wonderful free leaflet called
Living and Loving: Information About
Sexuality and Intimacy which
describes alternatives to
traditional positions.
Also,
let yourself consider alternatives
for sexual intercourse. There are
many ways to pleasure one another
(or yourself) without intercourse.
Manual and oral sex can be
fulfilling alternatives. And there
are times when you feel sexual and
there is no partner around, or times
when only one of you desires sex.
Masturbation is a normal, healthy,
and satisfying form of sexual
activity. You can learn a lot about
your body, what feels good, and what
leads you to orgasm. It may increase
the pleasure you experience during
sex with a partner, and will help
you put into words, or actions, what
you would like your partner to do.
Many people experience pleasure by
using a vibrator specifically made
for sexual stimulation (available in
adult stores or by mail order). It's
time to bring masturbation out of
the bathroom and the back bedroom,
and into healthy sexual
relationships, with a partner or by
yourself.
In summary: Building a
solid relationship, which requires
time together, caring, respect, and
open communication, will be the most
powerful tool to increase your level
of sexual desire. Sex is the most
intimate and most complex form of
communication. Unfortunately, many
of us were raised with very rigid
and Victorian views of sexuality and
what sexual behavior is acceptable.
But those views were learned; and
they can be unlearned. It takes
time, open-mindedness, and a
willingness to experiment with new
behaviors. Good luck, and enjoy the
journey.
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